Maybe you can think me whole
Maybe when I’m done with endings this can begin
I’ve been playing through the night, 11hours straight, except ciggie breaks.
I’ve been a menace to the neighbours:)
When I go. Don’t ever think of me I’ll be gone. When I’m down and out is where I’ll stay. I can’t hurt you anymore.
I’ve always had this feeling it’s been living inside me. Taking over me. Destroying me from the inside out. It destroyed me once. I couldn’t let it destroy me twice. The crystal substance. Smoke in my lungs. Rocks in my veins. Eased the emotions. Voices in my head. No sleep for days. Addicted.
To carry on alone with no substance inside. Would’ve bought the emotions to the outside. They didn’t show unless I was running low.
I had it planned in my head. What I needed to do. To get me through. They didn’t listen. Instead. Told me. From society’s point of view. Instead of mine. It was too late.
The addiction took over me. It was sad to see something like this happening to me. Nothing could’ve fixed this. I wasn’t lost. I just wasn’t here. Drifting in the clouds. My thoughts speaking out to me. Made it more clear to see. I treated everyone like shit. But they were all there for me. My biggest mistake. Leaving my fiancé. Still. She. Stood by me. Even though I broke her heart. She tried to keep me together. I pushed her away. I loved her too much. She didn’t need this much. It was hard enough. The place in the dark was speaking louder. I had no choice. It wasn’t my choice. The man in the mirror starring back at me. I didn’t recognise him. He wasn’t who he used to be. STILL. BREATHING. I fucked up along the way. Dreams. Gone. Future. Gone. Love. Gone. Let go of myself.
This is it. Life. No. More. BREATHING. No.
Starting to struggle more and more each day with life, money, debt, happiness and work. I don’t know how much more I can really take. I’ve been depressed and unhappy for a very long time.
So I had my third chemo and once again, everything went really smoothly:) chemotherapy hasn’t turned out bad for me at all (touch wood). I’ve had very little side affects, which include a little hair loss and thinning, loss of appetite, weight loss, sense of smell and taste have changed, and just being a real moody kid and fatigued.
I have to say at first I was all really cautious on my first chemo, didn’t really see anyone, didn’t really do anything… However in the last week and half I’ve had some really great times with all my friends, jamming on guitar and bass making some epic physcadellic rock.
On my last chemo I had a lady come do a survey/questionnaire on how I feel as for stress ad depression go. I told her I was feeling pretty sad and stressed and a little depressed. And that’s cause I miss m old lifestyle(which will return).
So she told me that there is no harm in having a beer or 2 aslong as I don’t get completely drunk. This was awesome news for me:) she asked why I was stressed other than financial problems and I told her having to have a cooked meal eveynight and and worrying about that. She told me that there would be no harm in going to a restraunt and having a meal aslong as I don’t eat salad or asian food.
This was amazing to know, it’s really changed my spirits and I feel about 95% :)
Let’s hope it stays this way on the many more chemo’s I have.
Today(7-11-2011) I went to the haemotology clinic chemotherpay lounge for my second round of chemotherapy. I got to my appointment with my dad at about 8:45am this morning and got into to the chemotherapy lounge at about 8:50am.
My nurse Louise got everything ready for my few hours of chemotherapy. The hospital finally got new needles in, which agreed and worked first shot into my shitty veins; the new needles made it a more pleasent experience and start to the day.
After the catheta was inserted into my arm; Louise went and got all the drugs to start the chemotherapy. Louise started by intravenously injecting a anti-nausea drug to make the chemotherapy go more smoothly and make sure i handle the ABVD drugs.
The first drug once again was Doxorubicin, which is a red colour and is the one the drug that will be the main cause of my hair loss. I found there was a little discomfort of this drug coming through this time, but nothing i couldn’t handle.
The second drug was Bleomycin was clear, and surigined into the drip. explained that is the drug that could affect my lungs. I have quit smoking which is good, however I did have one ciggarette last friday, and it was the worst taste i have ever tasted; it’s definatly put me off smoking. Hopefully after 6months of non smoking I will not return to it.
the next drug was Vinblastine which was just dripping through and going into my veins.Dacarbazine was the last drug which was also dripping down the tubes this one took around hour. I didn’t get a wierd feeling this time; which was good. However I was extremely tired for this round of chemotherapy, but i didn’t want to sleep because I’d rather do that at home, and be alert of everything that is happening.
My mum came and suprised me again with a visit and bought me some lollies, it was great to see her. Dad, Mum and I had a good laugh within that hour.
I just really like to thank the haematology care centre and the Chemotherapy lounge nurses and Louise and Dr Gavin.
Round 3 is on the 21-11-2011. Update you all then.
I woke up early this morning, about 7.30am. I woke up feeling nervous and a bit afraid of the unknown. I had no idea what to expect for my first chemotherapy treatment. My Dad picked up my girlfriend and I at 8am and we arrived early at the hospital. I was even more nervous having to wait in the waiting room of the haematology centre. Finally, Louise called my name and we made our way to the chemotherapy lounge.
There were about 10 chairs in the room and a couple of beds. I was in here for my BMA too except I had the comfort of a bed that time. There were only a few other chemo patients in the room, all of them were seniors. It felt strange to be the only young person.
I selected a chair and Louise met me with a trolley full of various medical paraphernalia. I could see the needle she would use.. I was dreading having it put in my arm; I figured my veins would collapse like the last few times.
Several attempts later, and I was right. My left arm failed and Louise attempted my right arm a few times before it went in. They are trialling some new type of catheter that just wouldn’t work so Louise ended up just using the old type but unfortunately, the gauge was bigger :(
Louise talked me through each drug as she slowly administered them through the drip in my arm. First saline, then an anti-nausea drug, and then my first chemotherapy drug; Doxorubicin. Louise used a big syringe to push it slowly through my drip. It was a deep red colour. I watched it flow down the clear tube into my arm. I was finally on the road to getting better.
The next drug (Bleomycin) was clear, it was also put into my body through a syringe into my drip. Louise explained that this was the drug that could affect my lungs. Again, she mentions I need to quit smoking. It’s gonna be tough but I think having a good reason to quit will give me an extra push to actually do it.
No more syringes. The last two are given to me through drip bags. Both are clear liquids. The Vinblastine went in fairly quickly but I had to sit for an hour while the Dacarbazine went into my body. Both of these gave me an odd feeling. I can’t explain it but it made my vein feel really funny every few minutes.
I had to have a little more fluid and then I was ready to go home. Whilst I was waiting for the last bag of saline to go through, I was staring down the corridor and noticed my mum walking down towards me:) It was a really big pleasant shock and surprise. A woman called Orietta came and spoke to me about Centrelink and various organisations like the Starlight Foundation. Turns out I actually get to make a wish which is awesome. I’ll have to work out what I’m gonna wish for before they call me.
My bladder was gonna explode after all those fluids so I took her card and ran for a wee. Just like Louise said; my urine was a dark orange colour from the Doxorubicin.
Louise organised my medication and my girlfriend and I went to pick them up. I had 4 different tablets to take home. I hoped my girlfriend was listening when the lady explained each medication. Thankfully, Louise left an information sheet.
I was exhausted when we got home. I went to sleep for a few hours with my girlfriend. When I woke up my Mum had cooked us pasta, chicken and salad for the next 2 days’ dinner. Surprisingly, I had quite an appetite. I hope that nausea, I’ve heard so much about, doesn’t kick in any time soon.
My next treatment is is on the 7th of November.
I’ll try to update my blog with how I’m feeling in the mean time